When I’m at TMI with the curtains drawn (which usually indicates that I am organizing, not seeing clients, and/or sitting in the dark counting my poop dollars), people will often make hilarious comments right outside our front door while having absolutely no idea I can hear them. I’d like to share some of my favorites with you, plus a little added commentary from me:

“Mommy, what’s a colonic? Can I have one?”

“No, sweety.”

“BUT I WANT ONE!” (starts crying)

(Me: Sweety, I know exactly how you feel. )

“So…they just, like…shove it up there? While you’re awake?”

(Me: Well sir, it’s usually frowned upon to shove things up people’s asses while they are unconscious. Unless you’re a doctor. Then violation knows no bounds.)

“Gross! Ugh, San Francisco. Thank god we don’t live here.”

(Me: Omg I was totes just thinking the same thing!:))

“Do you think they’d give me a vodka enema?”

“Are you drunk right now?”

“I don’t get it. Do they sell people’s shit back to them as lawn fertilizer?”

(Me: Note to self- find out if it’s legal to sell human fertilizer. Not fertilizer made of humans, but of their waste. On second thought, check on both.)

“I’ve always wanted to get a fecal implant!”

“I don’t think they do th…wait, what?”

“Your face needs a colonic.”

“Yeah.” (laughs)

(Me: A solid friendship.)

“I heard that this chick, like, exploded from too much water or something. I would still totally try it though.”

(Me: Is it possible you’re thinking of Augustus Gloop?)

“TMI Colonics…that’s awesome!”

“What. I don’t get it.”

(Long pause)

“Ooooooh. Hehe. Yeah.”

“Do you have shit in your brain?”


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